Meaningless
by amber-goddess
Summary: (WARNING: bad language and references to sex. Slash) Snape and Black have always hated each other, but there is another, secret, side to their relationship...meaningless sex. (Sev/Sirius) final chapter
1. chapter 1

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns everything except the plot. That is the sole property of my twisted little daydreams.  
  
Authors note: My first ever slash fanfiction! I'm not quite certain how American ratings work, but I decided to put it at an R. There is a generous use of bad language and some adult situations. Plus this is SLASH! Man-on- man action. You have been warned..  
  
If anyone is offended by this fic, or if it goes against any of ff.net's rules, please just email me and I'll take it down. I think I've censored it enough to class as an R, but if not I'd be more than happy to take it down.  
  
*************************************  
  
Severus Snape lay on his back staring dully up at the ceiling. His onyx eyes had an uncharacteristic lack of focus about them, exposed chest rising and falling with slow breathing. He drew his eyebrows together in the ghost of a frown.  
  
Again...they had done it again...  
  
Bloody hell.  
  
It was a bleak winter night. The wind howled outside like a live-thing, causing the woods around them to groan and whisper. Despite the freezing temperatures outside, however, within the hut it was actually quite warm. Here everything was quiet, still...completely disconnected from the outside world. It was a completely different universe, one free from the usual rules and inhabitations. It was theirs.  
  
Perhaps that was part of the reason why they came here. It would have been far more convenient - not to mention more comfortable - to simply use his chambers at Hogwarts. He had often idly fantasized about them spending the night together in his bedroom. He thought about it sometimes, late at night, wondering what it would be like to have him there with him...of all the ways that they could fill the lonely hours...  
  
That, of course, was out of the question. He would have never allowed his lover anywhere so personal. The old hut in the middle of the Forbidden Forrest was perhaps not the most atmospheric of places, but it was more than sufficient for meaningless fucking with Sirius Black.  
  
Which was exactly what he had been doing for the past hour or so.  
  
He didn't know why he kept returning for more when the very thought of what they had done disgusted him. He loathed Sirius with every bone in his body, and yet, somehow, he couldn't give him up. Their affair was like a drug...dark and dangerous...intoxicating to the system and sickening to the mind...  
  
...Impossible to refuse.  
  
They had been meeting up like this ever since the former Marauder had returned to England. Thinking about it, he wasn't even sure why. Sirius had never given any explanation for it, and Severus had never cared enough to ask. It was the unwritten rule of their relationship: no talking, no conversation, just straight forward sex. When you talked about something, that meant that you had to think about it...to rationalize it. That wasn't something that neither wanted to do. Not now. Probably not ever.  
  
The old wooden building creaked around them with each gust of wind, a sudden draught under the door breaking the hut's comfortable warmth. He was lying naked in a haphazard nest of blankets and pillows, body exposed from the stomach up. The breeze was uncomfortably cool against his skin, causing him to shiver unconsciously.  
  
Feeling his lover's subtle movement, Sirius's eyes slid open. He was lying on his front with his head resting to one side against a pillow. Severus had been under the impression that he was asleep.  
  
"Cold?" he murmured sleepily.  
  
Snape continued to stare up at the ceiling, his face a mask of indifference. He didn't answer.  
  
Sirius yawned languidly and shifted his position. He now lay with his body pressed against Severus, resting his rough chin against a pale shoulder. "A freezing winter night...you and me naked..." He paused to allow a light smirk to play on his mouth. "Just like old times, hm?"  
  
The sallow-skinned Slytherin gave a hollow grunt and turned away. He wasn't in much of a mood for reminiscing - especially not with a smarmy bastard like Sirius Black. Besides, his earlier activities had left him tired and he wanted to take a nap before he made his way back to Hogwarts.  
  
If Sirius noticed his lack of response, however, he either didn't care or simply chose to ignore it.  
  
Draping an arm around his lover's waist, he rested his forearm against a slender hip and allowed his fingers to brush against the soft inner thigh.  
  
"Roll over."  
  
Seveus scowled, mildly irritated by the order. "Fuck off, Black."  
  
"It's easier to fuck *on*...as you are more than well aware." He raised himself onto his elbow and stared impassively at Snape, dark eyes partially obscured by curtains of tousled hair. "Roll over," he repeated.  
  
Once again, the Potions Master didn't move.  
  
Sirius, undaunted, gave a much-put-upon sigh and pressed closer against his back. His arm was still around the Severus waist, giving him vantage enough to trail his fingers unhurriedly over his partners white thighs. Slim fingers worked their way upwards, encircling the navel before finally coming to rest between his legs.  
  
It half occurred to Sirius that perhaps the other man might not be able to have another go again that evening. They had each climaxed several times already, and neither of them was as young as they used to be...  
  
These was a slow intake of breath from Severus. "What are you doing?"  
  
Talk about asking a stupid question...  
  
"What do you think I'm doing, you bleedin' idiot?" he reproached huskily, giving him a gentle squeeze.  
  
The animagus was pleased to feel his lover tense when he touched him there. Foreplay wasn't something that they indulged in a lot - it was an emotional accessory for something that was, for them, an emotionless act. It seemed like a necessary extravagance at that point though, if he was going to have any hope of getting Snape hard enough to fulfill his own needs.  
  
Severus remained motionless for a long moment. Then, wordlessly, he parted his legs weakly to submit to Sirius's demands...  
  
***********************************  
  
It was late in the morning when Sirius Black finally awoke. Pale winter sunshine shone in through the cracks in the closed shutters, bathing the room in a warm half-glow. He gave a short grunt and screwed his eyes tightly shut, sunlight inexplicably painful. After a few moments, he opened them again.  
  
Everything was the same as it had been the night before. The room itself was still as empty and cheerless as ever, devoid of any home comforts save the lantern in the corner. He himself lay in a tangled nest of blankets, pillows and sheets, hastily arranged to form a kind of makeshift bed on the cool flagstone floor. Nothing had changed.  
  
Well, one thing perhaps.  
  
The place beside him was unoccupied. Severus was gone. A quick glance around the hut proved that his robes too had vanished- evidently, the Professor had returned to Hogwarts.  
  
Not that that was in the least bit unexpected.  
  
It was always the same whenever they met up. They would spend a heated night fucking each others brains out, and then, when he woke up, Snape would be gone. No goodbyes, no lingering farewell kisses...nothing.  
  
Sirius snarled darkly to himself and lay back against the blankets, arm draped over the cold space where Severus had lain. How strange that after all these years as lovers - and even longer as enemies - Snape still remained enigmatic to him. There was once a time when the raven-haired Slytherin would have gladly fallen asleep in his arms. That was back when they were young...before Azkaban, before Voldemort...when the biggest problems he had faced was trying to keep his sexuality a secret and trying to find a date for the Yule Ball.  
  
Looking back now, it was difficult to remember exactly why their relationship had started. They had never had much in common, even as youngsters. Maybe it was simply the fact that they were the only two gay guys in the school. Maybe it was something deeper. Whatever the reason, during their seventh year, Snape and Black started sleeping together.  
  
Even back then it was causal. No Valentines cards, no dates...just turn up and fuck. And it hadn't really had that much of an affect on their relationship outside of sex either. Sirius still hung out with the Marauders and teased any Slytherin that dared cross his path; Severus still openly detested their close-knit group. To all extents and purposes, they had been enemies.  
  
...But when they got into their hut and closed the door, they left all that behind them. When they were sleeping together it wasn't a case of Snape and Black...or even of Slytherin and Gryffindor.it was just the innocent exploration of two curious adolescent boys. Just a little harmless fun.  
  
Oh, they still hated each other of course. All the orgasms in the world wouldn't have been able to change that. But there was something intensely satisfying about bedding your worst enemy. The fucking was great, and there was a kind of unspoken understanding between them. Eventually, that understanding had deepened into something else. Neither broached the subject, but they both knew what was happening. For one heady summer they had known love - real love - for the first time in their lives.  
  
Of course, a lot had changed since then.  
  
The sex was still good - as it always had been - but somewhere along the line they had both lost their innocence. There was nothing loving about the sex nowadays. No thought, no feeling, no heart. It was just hard, emotionless fucking. Sirius thought back to the previous night...to the cold, deadened look in Snape's eyes while they had climaxed together...  
  
Time had altered them both, for better and for worse. Sirius knew that he would never wake up with Severus lying beside him. Too much had changed for that.  
  
He winced as he sat up in the make-shift bed, a dull ache burning through the lower half of his body. Still, he supposed that was the price he paid for the night's empty pleasures. The blankets were sticking in awkward places to his naked body and a lot of his skin felt tacky to the touch.  
  
...For the love of God, you'd think that a simple clean-up spell wouldn't be beyond his consideration...  
  
Discarding the sticky bed sheets, he slid quickly into a pair of trousers. All he wanted now was to get out of this place, get a decent shower and forget all about Severus Snape. He couldn't stay here any longer - to his sensitive animagus nose, the place was still faintly perfumed with the other man's scent. The delicate tang of potions ingredients, clean skin and night-air, all subtly combined to form an aroma as unique as a finger print.  
  
To his dismay, he realized that he himself was covered in the scent.  
  
"Fucking bastard," he muttered darkly to himself. 


	2. chapter 2

Three days later:  
  
"Mr. Longbottom!! Desist at once!!"  
  
Neville stared at the bubbling cauldron in growing horror. The thick green mass was spilling out over the pewter sides now, forming great oozing puddles on the desk top. The nearby students gave startled shrieks and clambered out of the way as the cauldron began to spit and froth. Neville could only stand petrified, eyes like tea-cups.  
  
"I-I can't sir! It won't stop!"  
  
Professor Snape gave a low growl and advanced quickly, robes billowing like a wings of a demon. Withdrawing his wand from his pocket he pointed it directly to the spewing green slime. "Alerixitus!"  
  
With a short puff of smoke and the sudden scent of brimstone, the cauldron was reduced to a charred pile of molten metal. The squeals of surprised students was immediately subdued, all eyes focusing swiftly on Snape. Neville - complete with blackened face - stared at him fearfully in a look nothing short of utter terror.  
  
"I'm so sorry sir, I didn't mean --- I-I didn't know---"  
  
"Shut up, idiot boy!" Severus snapped harshly, onyx eyes flashing. "That's the fifth cauldron you've destroyed this term!"  
  
A dark haired boy nearby spoke up. "Actually sir, it was you that blew up the cauldron. Neville only made a bit of green goop."  
  
"If I want your opinion Potter I'll ask for it!!" he yelled, whirling suddenly around on his heel to face the boy. The Potions Master was in no mood for Harry's oh-so-funny little remarks. His day had been a long and stressful one, and he was now in a livid temper. "Ten points from Gryffindor for Mr. Longbottom's stupidity and a further ten points for Mr. Potter's cheek! Now get back to your seats all of you!! And so help me if I hear so much as one peep out of any of you, it will be detention for a month!!"  
  
He paused and glared at the class who all stood, transfixed in fear.  
  
"Well?? What are you waiting for, an open invitation?? Work! NOW!!"  
  
  
  
*********************************  
  
  
  
By the time that Severus finished his classes for the evening he had served out no less than ten detentions, and deducted a considerable number of house points along for the bargain. It had not helped his mood however. Anger and frustration boiled through his veins like dark adrenaline, infamous bad temper threatening to burst out at any moment. He was royally pissed off, and there was bugger all that he could do about it.  
  
He stormed down the corridor, long legs striding with purpose. The best thing he could do...the only thing he could do...would be to shut himself in his room and wait until his rage had dissipated somewhat. He knew what he was like when he got into one of his moods. He didn't trust himself to be around people.  
  
Turning the corner to get to his chamber, Severus was surprised to find an owl perched outside his door. He haltered uncertainly for a moment. He certainly didn't recognize the animal as belonging to anyone in particular, and what could someone mean by sending an owl to him at this time of the day?  
  
The tawny brown bird gave a questioning call as he approached, hopping from one foot to the other. An envelope play on the floor just beneath the oaken bedroom door. The owl jumped around it rather idiotically, as if to ensure that he had seen it.  
  
"Yes, yes...I can see the letter thank you very much."  
  
The Professor bent down and picked up the envelope. He didn't open it immediately however, but turned it over in his hands, studying the handwriting. He recognized the scraggly script instantly.  
  
Sirius.  
  
This was not the first time that his lover had sent him a letter - it was how they usually arranged their meeting times. Still...Severus couldn't help but turn a guilty shade of scarlet. He didn't like to be reminded of Sirius when he was in Hogwarts. Whatever happened between them while they were in the Forbidden Forest, that was fine...but he liked to keep that side of himself completely separate from his day-to-day self.  
  
Most of the time, he simply pretended that their relationship didn't exist.  
  
Opening the envelope, he discovered a single, rather tatty, sheet of notepaper. The message itself wasn't exactly subtle in its implications:  
  
'Fancy a fuck?'  
  
Severus scowled angrily at the letter before slowly and purposefully tearing it in half. Trust him to write something so crude. Conceited prick...  
  
But then, that was why he was seeing him, wasn't it? Another man would have demanded his affections...would have tried to sentimentalize their relationship. Not Sirius Black. He got straight to the point without worrying about emotional attachment.  
  
---Fancy a fuck?---  
  
Yes, actually. He did.  
  
***************************************** 


	3. chapter 3

Authors note: Lol, I finally get onto the smutty bits! I'll post the NC17 version on snitchfic.net soon, but until then you guys can content yourself with this little not-quite-so-explicit chapter. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
***************************************  
  
  
  
Sirius stared blankly at the candle, running his long fingers distractedly through the flame. He took another swig from the bottle he held. Amber colored liquid burned pleasantly down his throat, his head lolling weakly to one side. Similar bottles in various stages of emptiness were littered over the hut's flagstone floor and the bitter tang of alcohol scented the air.  
  
His lover was late, so he'd decided to get drunk instead. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Now he wasn't so sure.  
  
The sudden squeal of rusted hinges pulled him away from his thoughts as the door to the hut flew open. He didn't turn to look, already knowing who it was. Scowling darkly into space, he drowned another gulp from the bottle.  
  
"What time do you call this then?"  
  
Snape was panting slightly from his trek through the woods, lank hair disheveled from the wind. He frowned and glanced up as he proceeded to remove his scarf and gloves. "I had essays to grade," he told him flatly, "My life doesn't revolve around screwing you, you know."  
  
Sirius flashed him a lopsided sneer. "Typical Slytherin attitude," he slurred drunkenly. "It's always about what *you* want, isn't it?"  
  
The sallow-skinned Potions Master took a step closer and then halted suddenly. He inhaled deeply, eyes narrowing in distain at the bitter perfume. He took in the array of bottles on the floor with one sweeping glance.  
  
"You're drunk."  
  
Black threw his head back and cackled. "Give the man a bloody prize!" Swaying slightly, he pushed himself to his feet. "You always were the smart one, Sev."  
  
Severus winced visibly at the old nickname. "Don't call me that."  
  
"I mean it as a term of endearment, of course."  
  
"Bollocks," Snape snorted harshly, taking off his heavy coat and tossing it into a corner. His shoes soon followed, kicking them away.  
  
The ex-Marauder leaned heavily against the wooden wall. "My, my, my...*somebody's* in a good mood this evening. What's the matter - an accident in Potions turn your balls blue?"  
  
Severus said nothing for a long moment. His fathomless onyx eyes were fixed in a bleak glare, thin mouth clenched firm. The wooden hut creaked around them in the wind, a hollow pulse to fill the deadly silence.  
  
"Your sophistication of wit never fails to astound me, Sirius."  
  
Black gave him a lazy smirk of satisfaction. "You can't hate me that badly. You're here now aren't you?"  
  
His lover gave a hard sneer and turned away, shaking his head. "Don't look too much into it," he warned the other man icily. "You're just an easy fuck...nothing more."  
  
There was a short quiet where neither spoke. Severus had his back to Sirius now and was occupied in undoing the buttons on his outer robe. He took longer than was necessary with this act, needing a moment free from his partner's insufferable stare. The buttons popped open slowly one by one. He was beginning to think that this was a bad idea...  
  
A pair of warm arms suddenly snaked their way around his stomach. Snape tensed, scowling darkly.  
  
Sirius pressed his body up against his back, brushing his mouth over a clothed shoulder. Even through the layers of thick woolen clothing, Snape imagined that he could feel the other mans lips burning through to his skin.  
  
It was not an unpleasant sensation.  
  
"So I'm your bit of rough, am I?"  
  
Severus's _expression revealed nothing of the faint beginnings of pleasure that he was feeling. "An apt description, yes."  
  
Sirius nuzzled against the smooth curve of his neck. "I guess I can live with that," he purred coolly, allowing his hands to ghost up to his lover's chest to finish undoing the buttons. Working with deliberate slowness, he gradually exposed the white shirt underneath, sliding the robe off from over Snape's long arms. The black garment fell heavily to the floor. It was immediately forgotten. Now the Hogwarts Professor stood in shirt and trousers...looking somehow smaller...less imposing without his ominous dark mantle.  
  
It was a good look for him, Sirius decided.  
  
"Turn around," he murmured.  
  
Severus complied with rueful obedience, turning to face the long-haired man. He was a good head taller than Black, putting the other mans face in perfect alignment with his throat. He watched in silence as Sirius worked at loosening the stiffly starched collar, nimble fingers then making a short task out of the column of pearly buttons. That done, the animagus leant forward to nibble along a newly-exposed collar bone.  
  
"You haven't done that in a while," Severus commented impassively.  
  
"Consider it a treat. It's a special night."  
  
Sirius didn't raise his head when he spoke, making his gruff voice sound oddly muffled. Finishing the last button, he gave a hard tug and pulled the shirt-tails lose. Severus slid his arms out of the shirt, letting it fall to lie crumpled on top of the discarded robe.  
  
"Oh?" He lifted an eyebrow, not really interested. "Why is it special?"  
  
Black ran his hands over the now-naked chest. "Tell you later." He paused and laughed, prodding the other mans pale stomach. "Still not lost that holiday weight, hm? You're starting to let yourself go, Sev."  
  
Snape glared down at him sullenly, the old animosity returning despite the tingling sensation caused by the exploring hands.  
  
"I told you not to call me that. And what did you expect? I'm bloody thirty-nine next month, for Gods sake. You've never complained about it before."  
  
Sirius took Severus's hips in his hands and pressed them roughly against his own. The act was swift and forceful - a complete contrast to the slow undressing of moments before.  
  
"Who says I'm complaining? You age well."  
  
His words caught Snape momentarily by surprise.as did the sudden bulge pressing against his crotch. He glanced down. The swell of interest in Sirius's trousers was undeniable.  
  
"That didn't take long, did it?"  
  
The animagus blinked sluggishly and tilted his head back to look the taller man in the face. One tanned hand rubbed against his hip. "I am drunk you know. I can't help it if I get a bit randy."  
  
Snape stared down at him with hooded eyes. "Can we just get one with it?" he hissed quietly, "I've still got essays to grade."  
  
If Sirius was hurt by the comment, he didn't show it.  
  
"I told you, this is a special night. I want to take my time."  
  
"And I just want to fuck."  
  
Sirius laughed, breath tainted heavily with alcohol. "Shakespeare himself couldn't have put it better!"  
  
Severus was growing tired of this little game. They didn't generally talk this much before sex, having fallen into a routine of simply turning up, screwing, and then leaving. The drink seemed to have put Black in a funny mood...a mood with Severus was growing increasingly impatient with.  
  
He was about to state as much when a light pressure on his neck took him by surprise.  
  
Sirius pressed his mouth against his lover's throat in a kiss. For a moment he simply stood there, still and silent, lips warm against the cool body. Then, slowly, he began to move. The kiss gradually traced across the raised ridge of the Adam's Apple, down to the curve where the neck met the shoulder, pausing to run his tongue along the naked collar bone.  
  
He knew that Severus liked that.  
  
The tip of his tongue traced illegible designs as it ran down across his chest. He gave himself up to impulse, sucking and biting and tracing and licking, all as the mood took him. Snape was not a hairy man and his white skin bore an almost porcelain-like smoothness...a complete contrast to Sirius's own roughened hide. He explored it as though for the first time, investigating every line and texture that he found with his willing mouth.  
  
A sleepy murmur of contempt drifted from above him. "Enjoying yourself down there are you? It can't be that much of a novelty anymore - not after all these years. "  
  
"Shut up, Sev."  
  
He raised his head suddenly. Severus's face had lowered while he had been occupied with his chest, and they were now on level with each other, despite the difference in height. Sirius stared at his lover for a long moment. The alcohol burning through his system made his vision blur, images and colors bleeding together like a fuzzy water-color painting. The only thing that was distinct were the eyes. Severus Snape's eyes. Twin pools of ink framed in snowy white. Bleak...ungiving...bottomless.  
  
You could fall forever in those eyes...  
  
His own eyes fluttering closed in sudden desire, he moved forward to kiss him.  
  
The Potions Master pulled hurriedly away before their lips made contact, grunting in annoyance. Sirius tried again, with the same result. He frowned, confused and disappointed.  
  
"Why don't you ever kiss me, Sev?" he murmured quietly.  
  
It was a question he had asked many times before. He looked to the other man with almost childish distress, words slurring together and eyelids drooping drunkenly half-shut. Their faces were so close together that he could feel Snape's breath warm on his cheek. The thin lips were infuriatingly close and he made one final lunge to claim them.  
  
"No! Don't."  
  
Sirius drew back and stared at his lover in bewilderment. Severus had his head turned away; mouth pulled into a grimace.  
  
"I said don't."  
  
Black's brow contorted, not understanding. "You used to kiss me all the time when we were young."  
  
After a long moment of silence, Severus looked at him. The _expression of fearful disgust faded swiftly into one of well-practiced detachment. "That was a lifetime ago."  
  
"But-"  
  
Whatever Sirius had been about to say was suddenly silenced by a cool finger pressing against his mouth. Snape had suddenly brought his face very close...till they were literally nose to nose. Sirius stared back with wide, unfocused eyes. The meaning of the gesture was clear. When Snape removed his hand, he remained obediently silent. He couldn't have spoken even if he wanted too.  
  
The other man watched him in silence for a long moment. He had a power that was undeniable - with a single glare he could silence an entire classroom. Now he used his commanding stare on his lover to much the same affect.  
  
"Enough talk," he whispered huskily. "Take your clothes off."  
  
Sirius was suddenly extremely conscious of a pounding heat swelling between his legs. He was also mildly irritated by Snape's domineering manner. He gave him a cold sneer. "Say please like a good little boy."  
  
Snape drew his eyebrows together. "Fuck you."  
  
Even that offhand insult was spoken with a creamy rich purr.  
  
"Would you like that?" Sirius gave a low smirk, the words spoken in moking innocence. They both knew the answer to that question...  
  
The Hogwarts Professor reached over to run his hands over the top if Sirius's head. Long, pale fingers twisted through dark hair, entwining around the coarse locks to dig his nails into the soft scalp.  
  
"What do you think, you bloody idiot?" 


	4. chapter 4

Sleep, however, was not as forthcoming as he had hoped.  
  
It was almost an hour later and Severus was still awake. Behind closed eyelids his mind was locked into awareness, breathing deep and measured. A welcome darkness dulled his senses, releasing him from the relentless stream of thought that plagued his every waking moment. No need to think -- - no need to feel, he floated somewhere between the ground and the shadows above. A warm contentment numbed his body, and, for once in his troubled life, Severus Snape was at peace.  
  
It was a rare feeling.  
  
They were lying together in the nest of blankets, legs intertwined beneath the sheets and bodies facing each other. Normally he would have drawn away, uncomfortable to be so close to another person. Tonight, however, he resisted the urge. A curious tiredness had taken control of his limbs, leaving him with neither the strength nor the resolve to move away from Sirius.  
  
In fact --- though he would never admit it to anyone, least of all himself --- he drew a great deal of comfort from the sensation. Intimacy, physical or otherwise, was not something that Severus allowed himself much of. From his very earliest years he had learnt that closeness inherently entailed vulnerability --- and that was something that he never would have permitted.  
  
"Sev?"  
  
It was a moment before the Potions Master recognized the whispered word as being directed towards him. It caught him somewhat by surprise - he had assumed that Sirius would be asleep by now.  
  
"Sev?"  
  
Severus remained still and silent, unresponsive. The bastard was probably going to try and persuade him to have sex again. The thought irritated him slightly, his tiredness making him resent any action that might cause him to break away from this warm contentment he had found himself in. This in mind, he kept his eyes closed and his breathing deep, hoping that Sirius would take the hint.  
  
In this pretense of sleep, he felt his lover shift beside him. The space between their bodies closed as Black moved closer, pressing his chest gently against Severus's and moving his head until they were almost nose to nose.  
  
"You know," Sirius whispered, breath warm and tainted with an alcoholic tang, "You never did ask me why tonight was special."  
  
Despite his sleep-induced distance, Snape retained enough presence of mind to be baffled by his actions. He didn't move though --- didn't open his eyes. If he opened his eyes, then it would all begin again. The insults, the animosity, and the inevitable screwing.  
  
He just didn't have the energy for any of it. Not right now.  
  
The sudden pressure of fingers on his cheek almost made him flinch in surprise. Sirius had reached out and touched him lightly, rough hand unexpectedly soft --- almost tentative --- in its caresses. Severus was taken back. The gesture was so --- so *loving* ---  
  
Sirius watched his lover through hooded eyes, expression bearing an uncharacteristic benevolence to the sallow-skinned Slytherin before him. His fingers trailed delicately over his face, tracing the deeply etched lines of grief and worry with a loving touch. He smiled drunkenly to himself.  
  
"Twenty-three years to the day, Sev. I didn't forget."  
  
Severus's expression remained as impassive as ever, betraying nothing of his own inner confusion. What on earth --- ?  
  
Sirius gave a tired sigh and withdrew his hand. "Happy Anniversary."  
  
The reference was momentarily lost on Severus, whose thoughts raced to figure out what Black was talking about. His mind was fully conscious now despite his outer demeanor, this new puzzle snapping him into wakefulness.  
  
And that was when it hit him. Twenty-three years. It was twenty-three years ago to the day a fifteen year old Severus Snape had lost his virginity to a young Sirius Black.  
  
It was their anniversary.  
  
Despite his earlier conviction to ignore Sirius, he found his eyelids flickering open in surprise. His lover also seemed a little shocked - apparently having thought that Snape was, indeed, asleep. They stared at each other silently for a moment.  
  
"Has it really been so long?"  
  
Sirius started slightly at his words, then smiled. "Yes. I'm afraid so." He gave a short pause. "Do you ever think about --- you know --- how things were?"  
  
Severus blinked dully. "I try my best not dwell on such things."  
  
"I know that this probably won't help, but I'm sorry for hurting you."  
  
Charcoal eyebrows drew together in a dark frown. "No, you're right. That doesn't help."  
  
Sirius gave a lazy chuckle, voice slurred with a combination of drink and fatigue. Then his expression changed. He studied Severus with oddly focused eyes, jaw set grimly.  
  
"Sev --- if I ask you a question, will you answer me truthfully?"  
  
The Professor scowled. "I suppose that all depends on the question. And I told you not to call me that."  
  
The other man flashed him a drunken grin. "There are plenty of other names I could call you instead, you know."  
  
"Like what?" Snape gave a short sneer. "Greasy git?"  
  
"I was thinking more along the lines of 'Slytherin sex god' myself."  
  
Severus arched a weary eyebrow, but chose not to comment. "You had a question?" he asked pointedly.  
  
Again, Black seemed to grow serious. His gaze narrowed thoughtfully, lips pressed together in a thin line. He stared at his lover with almost sorrowful eyes.  
  
"Did you ever love me, Severus?"  
  
Severus was startled by the question. He opened his mouth to speak, then promptly shut it again. What did he expect him to say?  
  
--- Did you ever love me, Severus? ---  
  
And the truth was, yes, for a time he had. Back when they were young --- back in the time before the world had had a chance to taint them --- then maybe there had been something in their relationship besides meaningless fucking. He cast his mind back, evoking memories that he had fought so long to ignore. Snatched kisses in deserted classrooms, long nights spent exploring each others bodies, waking up in Sirius's arms.  
  
He thought for a moment, then gave a slow nod. "Perhaps I did --- a long time ago."  
  
Sirius smiled weakly at his words, eyelids dropping half-closed. Severus was surprised by how tired he looked - and not just from the night's activities. His eyes were encircled in purple, cheeks lean and unnaturally hollow. His long hair was mattered around his face, skin now tanned by long months in tropical hideaways. He was almost unrecognizable as the self- assured youth he had been all those years ago.  
  
Sirius looked at him now, reaching out a hand to caress his cheek as he had minutes before. His rough thumb stroked gently at Severus's jaw.  
  
"You know," he murmured, voice barely above a whisper, "I never stopped loving you."  
  
Severus stared at him bleakly for a moment before turning away. He gave a grunt of indifference and turned over until he had his back to Sirius.  
  
"You are saying that because you are drunk," he informed Black flatly.  
  
Behind him he felt Sirius shift under the blankets. "Of course I am," he chuckled softly to himself. "You know I'd never admit something like that when I was sober."  
  
There was a long moment of silence between them. The wooden hut creaked and groaned in the winter's breeze, the lone candle flickering uncertainly in the corner.  
  
Finally, Snape gave a long sigh, eyes staring intently into space. "Go to sleep Sirius."  
  
Neither spoke again for a long time, and when Severus glanced tentatively around some minutes later Sirius had indeed fallen obediently asleep.  
  
Severus himself, however, remained awake all through the night. And when dawns first rays brightened the darkness beyond the hut's single window, he had finally reached a decision.  
  
Slipping silently out of the make-shift bed, he dressed in his robes and waited patiently for Sirius to wake up. 


	5. chapter 5

Authors note: Well this is it - the final chapter. Hope you've all enjoyed my little contribution to the SS/SB cause...it was fun writing. Happy Easter everybody.  
  
**********************************  
  
It was a nice, gradual awakening, softly slipping between sleep and consciousness. He could feel the heat of sunlight against his skin, and he instinctively knew that it was going to be a beautiful day. A warm contentment spread through him, passing in a tingling wave over his skin. He kept his eyelids tightly closed, knowing that if he opened them, this peace would have to end, and he would be faced with the daunting prospect of another day to struggle through. He smiled softly to himself, wriggling his toes in happiness. It wasn't often that he felt this good...  
  
"Sirius."  
  
The word broke the animagus from his happiness, causing him to open his eyes in confusion. Severus was sitting opposite him - fully dressed in the black robes of the previous evening - his intense black gaze resting heavily on the other man.  
  
Sirius frowned sleepily. "What are you still doing here?" he murmured questioningly, voice slurred with sleep. The vast quantities of alcohol he had consumed the night before suddenly returned to haunt him, a sharp ache pounding within his skull. He gave a small hiss of pain. "Don't you have a potions lab to return to?"  
  
Severus continued to watch him closely. "I have no class first thing this morning," he informed him blandly, "And there are some things that need to be said."  
  
"Oh?" Sirius pulled himself up weakly into a sitting position. "About what?"  
  
"What you said last night."  
  
Black froze.  
  
His recollection of the previous night were cluttered and confused - mostly consisting of infuriatingly vague images of the two of them moving against one another in bed - but he did have vague memory of the short conversation that had followed the sex. He had been drunk, that much was clear, and he had told Severus that...that...  
  
Oh shit, he cursed himself inwardly...he had only gone and told Snape that he still loved him!  
  
Double shit!  
  
"Forget what I said last night."  
  
"I don't think that I can."  
  
He grimaced darkly and massaged his aching forehead with long fingers. "I was pissed...talking out of my arse...I didn't mean it."  
  
Severus's expression of careful neutrality flickered briefly, the cold mask of indifference giving way to a look of...what? Sirius wasn't sure, but it made him more than a little uneasy.  
  
"Oh, I think that you did mean it," the Potions Master told him coolly, head leaning back slightly against the wooden wall. "And it is from there that my problem arises."  
  
Something unpleasant squirmed within Sirius then, though he did not allow this to show on his face. "Problem?"  
  
Snape nodded slowly and looked away. Though his face remained as pale and ungiving as ever, Sirius thought that he saw an uncharacteristic tightness to his jaw at that moment. He seemed to hesitate for a moment.  
  
"I don't want to see you anymore."  
  
There was a long moment of silence. Sirius stared at his lover incredulously, although Severus kept his eyes trained doggedly at the ground. The sunlight oozed in thickly through the slits in the shutters, illuminating the room with a sickly yellow glow.  
  
Sirius swallowed, his throat suddenly inexplicably tight. "What do you mean?" he questioned quietly, surprised by the waver to his normally firm voice.  
  
Severus lowered his head still further, a thick curtain of greasy black hair partially obscuring his features. "I never asked for you to love me, Black," he muttered, "And I have never harbored any desire to further our relationship past the superficial. All that I have ever wanted from you is meaningless pleasure. Do you understand?"  
  
The former convict's thick eyebrows drew even further together. He said nothing.  
  
Snape wavered for a moment, thin lips pressed together in a tense line. Pale fingers drummed listlessly against his draw-up knees. He suddenly shook his head. "You know me, Black, and you know what I am like. I don't want to be loved. I don't want to be cared for. I don't even particularly want to be liked. Whatever it is that you feel for me, my life has enough complications at the moment without having to take your emotions into consideration." His fingers picked up the pace, now a frenzied drumming against black material. "That is why I do not think that it would a good idea for us to continue with these little meetings. I don't want us to see each other again."  
  
Silence.  
  
Sirius wasn't certain how to react. Truth be told, he wasn't even fully certain on how he was feeling. Shocked, certainly, but beyond that...? He couldn't be sure. Sirius Black had never been good at analyzing his emotions, preferring instead to reply on his physical reactions, but his body - like his mind - was in a state of stunned confusion.  
  
He gave a choked hiss, surprised to feel tears stinging against his eyes. "You fucking bastard."  
  
Severus gave a hard laugh. Much like Black's curse, however, it was a shaky and uneven sound. "I never could sustain an intelligent conversation with you."  
  
Sirius ignored the comment. "You're such a coward, Snape. You can't even admit the truth."  
  
"Truth?"  
  
The animagus glared at him, body trembling with barley controlled rage. "You love me. You feel the same way as I do, I know that you do."  
  
Severus smirked, but still refused to look up. "Preposterous," he sneered coldly.  
  
"Is it?" Now it was Sirius's turn to sneer. His exposed chest rose and fell with deepened breathing, dark spots of anger blossoming on his lean cheeks. "You're afraid, Snape. You always have been. That's why you won't let me kiss you, isn't it? Because that would mean that you might actually have to confront how you feel." His lips curved darkly downward, eyes glinting in the pale morning sunshine. "You're pathetic, you know that?"  
  
"I don't have to stay here and listen to this!!"  
  
"THEN WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?!?!"  
  
Sirius hardly even noticed that he had raised voice until he saw Severus give a sharp flinch. His words hung in the air between them, pain-filled and accusing. Neither man moved, neither man spoke. The enormity of what had just happened weighed around them in the smothering darkness, black sorrow gathering in the gloom.  
  
Sirius looked away, not wanting him to see the hurt expression that he knew would be on his face. From the moment the words had slipped out, he had instantly regretted them. He had wanted to hurt him, wanted to lash out at his weakness, but now that he had done it, all he was left with was cold emptiness. But he couldn't take it back. So he sat still - desperation and anger conflicting within him - and waited for Severus to make his move.  
  
He sensed rather than saw Snape rise to his feet.  
  
"Goodbye, Black."  
  
Sirius drew a long and shuddering breath, fighting against the tightness in his throat that suddenly threatened to overwhelm him. "Sirius," he muttered quietly.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
He looked up, gaze darkened with hostility. "Sirius. It's what you called me last night, remember?"  
  
Severus straightened noticeably, only just realizing the slip-up that he had made the previous evening. His pale face looked taunt and pained at that moment, eyes betraying what he would not allow his expression to do so. Black eyes met black as they stared at each other over the distance...a look of uncertainty passing almost tangibly between them...  
  
Suddenly Severus straightened and turned quickly on his heel, sweeping away in a blaze of robes. The door opened and shut with an audible creak and then...  
  
...Nothing.  
  
Severus Snape was gone, and Sirius knew that, this time, he would not be coming back.  
  
Despair swelled inside of him, deep and pitiless. Slender shoulders heaved as he fought to suppress the sob that was growing in his throat. It didn't work. His face contorted in a look of utter despair, hot tears stinging at the back of his eyes.  
  
The lamp impacted the back of the door with an explosion of broken glass.  
  
"BASTARD!!!!"  
  
***********************************  
  
A week later:  
  
Dumbledore's office was in its usual state of ordered disarray. Harry couldn't help but let his gaze drift idly around the room, drinking in its comforting eccentricity and allowing his mind to wander away. He was growing increasingly weary of the conversation that was unfolding around him. Every week it was the same. Professor Dumbledore would call a meeting to discuss developments in fight against the Dark Forces...they would talk for a short time...they would plan...and then, inevitably, Snape and Sirius would start bickering.  
  
The young boy sighed wearily as the voices rose in volume.  
  
"Let me get this straight," Severus's creased his forehead in mock meditation, "You were following the Death Eaters through London and you...lost them?"  
  
Sirius looked decidedly sulky at the other mans obviously contemptuous words. "Yes."  
  
"You...lost...them?"  
  
"What's the problem, Snape, is it too difficult to understand or shall I draw you a picture to illustrate?" Black flashed him an icy sneer. "I lost them, alright? It happens."  
  
The Potions Professor's lips curved upward in the ghost of a smirk. "My, my, my...Sirius Black admitting that he failed. I hope that your little admission did nothing to dent that famous Gryffindor pride of yours."  
  
"Fuck off Snape."  
  
Dumbledore arched an eyebrow slightly. "Language, Sirius."  
  
The animagus glanced quickly to the Hogwarts headmaster. "Sorry Albus," he muttered, arms folded over his chest as he glowered at the lank-haired man sitting opposite him.  
  
Harry watched the scene unfold with only mild interest. It was a special he had witnessed many times over the past few months, and no doubt it would happen many more times before Voldemort would finally be defeated...if indeed that ever happened. There were times when he found himself wondering whether this war was doomed to last forever.  
  
He studied the two older men closely in the silence that followed Dumbledore's rebuke. Predictably they sat glaring at each other, twin expressions of hatred lining their lean faces. The mutual loathing between the two was, for a moment, so tangible that Harry could almost feel the age- old animosity pulsating between them.  
  
...And yet there was something else there that Harry had never noticed before. He blinked thoughtfully behind his glasses, head tilting unconsciously to one side. The two men - completely oblivious to the fact that they were being watched - continued to stare at each other, but there was something different about the way that they were looking at each other at that moment...something that Harry had never seen before.  
  
They looked almost...sad.  
  
He frowned and shook his head, but when he looked again it was gone. Now there was only Snape and Black, the bitter enemies that he had always known - their black eyes locked in a silent battle for dominance.  
  
Harry sighed once more, a little heavier this time.  
  
Some things, he supposed, never changed. 


End file.
